I opened a pressurized canister of Surstromming
Or did the pressurized canister of Surstromming open ME??
I prematurely removed the tags on my shinin’ new denim
Or did the tags on my shinin’ new denim prematurely remove ME??
I inappropriately attempted to use a “Magic Eraser” on my boss at work
Or did the “Magic Eraser” inappropriately attempt to use ME!?
ONLY BECAUSE YOU ASKED NICELY, JIM MACGUFFERIN
ONLY BECAUSE YUH ASKED
I SAID UH
ONLY BECAUSE YOU ASKED NICELY, JIM MACGUFFERIN
I’M GLAD YOU DIDN’T ASK TWICE!!!!
I got shipped a shrink-wrapped package of “Race for the Cure” t-shirts
Or did the package of “Race for the Cure” t-shirts get a shrink-wrapped ME?!?
I scraped off the corrosion on the battery contacts for a McDonald’s toy
Or did the corrosion on the battery contacts on a McDonald’s toy scrape off ME?!?!?!?
I ate a piece of moldy cabbage and it slid nastily down my throat
Little did I know this was the way of the future, you goat
(hacking cough)
ONLY BECAUSE YOU ASKED NICELY, JIM MACGUFFERIN
ONLY BECAUSE YUH ASKED
I SAID UH
ONLY BECAUSE YOU ASKED NICELY, JIM MACGUFFERIN
I’M GLAD YOU DIDN’T ASK TWICE!!!!
I am IFRIT, DEMON OF FIRE
I am JACKIE CHAN, DEMON OF KUNG FU
I am WALTER WHITE, DEMON OF CRYSTAL METH
I am YOUR EGO, DEMON OF YOU
I am FAYGO, DEMON OF SOFT DRINKS
I am MARVIN, DEMON OF MARS
I am JAMES BROWN, DEMON OF SOUL MUSIC
I am OLDSMOBILE, DEMON OF CARS
(indecipherable noises, sounds)
GAAAAAAA!
GAAAAAAA!
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
YOU’RE OLDER THAN YOU’VE EVER BEEN AND NOW YOU’RE EVEN OLDER
AND NOW YOU’RE EVEN OLDER
AND NOW YOU’RE EVEN OLDER!!!!!!!!!
ONLY BECAUSE YOU ASKED NICELY, JIM MACGUFFERIN
ONLY BECAUSE YUH ASKED
I SAID UH
ONLY BECAUSE YOU ASKED NICELY, JIM MACGUFFERIN
I’M GLAD YOU DIDN’T ASK TWICE!!!!
credits
from Junk (vol. 1),
released May 3, 2017
Woids by Ditchkael “Ditchie” DeKhrenshaw, Halex “Hetch Hetchy Reservoir” Hauptycopter, Jr., and Bephen “Gilberto” Strinkerhoff
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